The Haunted Homeowner's Survival Guide

So now what? Oh yeah! Getting rid of it.

House cleansing? Meditation and prayer?

You know that you have a haunting, having exhausted all other possibilities.  Or maybe you just want to nuke whatever it is from orbit (just to be sure).  So what do you do to get rid of it/him/her/them?

Note: Nothing with any chance of certainty has ever been validated.

Traditional folk medicine or religion is all we have. Until we get nuclear powered ghost zappers like they have in the movies, we’re on our own.

There are two schools of thought – either based in religion or folk remedies.  There is no scientific method that will guarantee ghost riddance.  Even if you cross the streams, Ray.

Many folk remedies involve candles, incense, salt, incantations, blessings,  or otherwise changing the karma (or the energy) of the house.  Having someone cleanse your home this way might give you a sense of control over your property again, and that’s a good thing. It may mark the end of your haunting, and it may not.  Some haunts have stubbornly ended after repeated attempts.  Do they really work, or do ghosts just not like the odor of burning sage? Or did the homeowners talk themselves out of the idea that they have a ghost and they found other explanations?

Religious blessings with a priest or minister, holy water, crosses, and the rest of that liturgy are another route.  Do they work? No.  Maybe. (*shrug*) Hey, if it makes you feel better, go for it.

Many of my friends and family will debate this point loudly with me: that if a spirit is cast out in the name of the Lord, it must leave.  But, since by now you must allow for the possibility of ghosts, consider the possible case of a man who was a confirmed atheist, and thumbed his nose at the church for 80 years. Why would he obey the church now – especially since he refuses to cross over?  Maybe he is on the other side, and has found lights and consciousness when he expected to just wink out of existence. He may be afraid to cross over completely, and might be confused.  But does that mean he will obey the priest?  The results on investigations have shown that it isn’t necessarily the case.

There are no guarantees. Sorry.  If ghosts are just dead humans, their reasons for hanging around will be as many as there are ghosts hanging around. You’re probably better off negotiating a deal with the dearly departed than screaming at them.  Think of them as some sort of in-laws that come around at odd times, make a mess, and leave without appreciating your witty after dinner banter.  Most ‘haunts’ do no harm.  You’ve likely already seen the entire bag of tricks.

If the ‘haunt’ is acting like a teenager, try treating it like a teenager?  Back to your room!  We’re tired of your tricks!  Leave us alone or we’re going to nag you some more.  And make yourself useful and get rid of those spiders in the attic!

Reverse psychology? If the ‘entity’ is a real showboat, try making light of it.  Invite some friends over for that lame ghost-show, and really just spoil all of its fun. Sell tickets? If it wants to make you afraid, let it know that you are not afraid, and ask it to leave. If you’re no fun any longer it just might go away.

Whatever reason it has to hang around, you’ll need to figure it out and remove that motivation.

One big caveat: Do not provoke whatever it is to wrathful anger.  Ever.  Why? Because I don’t know for a fact that it can’t pick up your coffee table and throw it at you. And it knows where you sleep, you know?  There might not be any consequences, but don’t say I didn’t warn you if there are any.

Maybe you can’t find a group near you that you can really trust? You believe you might have a genuine haunting and want to be rid of it.  What can you do?

Doing it yourself is not the best advice. This is not where you should start your troubleshooting and debunking. This is not where you should begin thinking about what might actually be haunting you.  What follows is advice that seems to make sense to some investigators.  Your results may vary!

1. Don’t panic.  Yes, that’s easy for me to say because I don’t live with your haunt. But please forget what you’ve seen at the theater, and most of what you might have seen on television. The really bad stuff only happens in movies.
2. Finish doing your homework first. Eliminate all other physical, psychological, emotional, or electromagnetic possibilities before you decide you have a haunting.  Talk to a friend, clergyman, or counselor – somebody who can help you see things clearly.  If you are already convinced that you have a ghost, start at the top and rethink everything you know from outside the box. Actively question whether anything else might have made that noise, caused that shadow, turned that switch, and so on.
3. Keep trying to find a paranormal research group or other professional help.
4. Don’t assume a ‘haunting’ means it is evil.  If you have a residual haunting that is a shadow that goes down the hallway at predictable times, relax. That is all it is ever going to do.  It has no idea you are even in the house, so there is no reason for you to pay attention to it. Or, just sell tickets and amuse your friends!  An intelligent haunt may just want to let people know it is still around.  If you ignore it, perhaps it will go away on its own accord as well.
5. Don’t be afraid.  Fear may be the fuel it needs to keep itself happy.  Or, on the other hand, it may just want to be left alone and is only showing itself to mark its preferred space. If it only pushes back in one specific area, just don’t go there?
6. Attitude is important!  Any decisions about how to handle the situation need to be made and enforced as a family.  Showing a little anger is perhaps justified, but try to keep yourself under control. Preaching at it or shouting scripture verses may not help either.
7. Have you tried just asking it to please leave?  Really.
8. Try reasoning with it.  If it is a human entity, it might very well listen to a calm discussion. Let it know that you are the owner of the property now.  Give it a room that you don’t enter if it leaves the rest of the house alone.  Well, it’s worth a shot and what do you have to lose?
9. Try treating it like a teenager. Be firm and send it to its ‘room’.  It sounds silly. But if it works it is out of your hair, right?  If you don’t get afraid and you are firm with it, you’re in charge and not the spirit. Be a party-pooper!
10. As tempting as it may be, avoid seance activity and ouija boards. Once you open that door, there is no telling who is going to come in and stay for awhile.  Some investigators use them and believe that they are okay. Most responsible investigators I’ve read about, when asked about ouija boards emphatically urge that they are not to be used.
11. If there is more than one entity and you feel like you simply MUST be rid of them all, be advised that each entity probably has a different motivation for being where it is. You therefore have to figure out what that motivation is, and demotivate it to stay.

Do you need salt, incense, mirrors, candles, crosses or holy water?  Maybe. They are important because they provide a focus, a sense of strength – not because there is any magic in those things. These items are probably only as important to the eviction of a spirit as the power you feel they possess.

If you don’t believe any of these things will help – why bother with them?  They become just props at that point, in the movie of your life.

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Is it gone? I hope so!  I also hope that this small book helps people understand the many complex issues swirling around the whole ‘haunted’ concept.